found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
