I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
