haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
