please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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