Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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