Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
