sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
