I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
