Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Is it penis luge time yet?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
