I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
