i think my tv is drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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