I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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