i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
