i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
