Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
