you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You may now shotgun with the bride
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
