everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
is wine microwaveable?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
