Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
