Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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