Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
