Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
