Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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