I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
