do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
