Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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