I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
