I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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