I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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