now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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