my mouth tastes like poor choices
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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