every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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