I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
