Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
