Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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