I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
