Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
