I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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