I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
time to smoke my breakfast
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
