sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
