I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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