I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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