my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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