I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
