So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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