you traded sex for a burrito?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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