i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
