the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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