every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
