He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
