i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
