Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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