I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
