My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
