Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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