I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
